Sharing a little of me.....Some days I feel that I am just a little icon on here sharing the latest coupons, hot deals and neat products to help make our life's easy and live a little more frugal so we can do more fun things in life.
I lost my precious 24 year old son "Christopher" , SIX years ago Feb 20, 2008. In a tragic car/semi accident. Chris was the passenger in the car. Actually that date is fast approaching on February 20th this year will mark his 6th Angel-versary - I like to think of it that way an " ANGEL-Versary,,,, I know its a weird word, not sure when I came up with it at all. Christopher was one to always play practical jokes on me. He loved to catch me off guard, said that look on your face was so worth it. Actually I hear that allot from others too. Of course he has always been an angel in this mothers eyes.
This particular year, I actually started to pull the so called armour out of my hearts closet. Its that kind of armour I have used to protect myself from pain. Almost like a plate of steel that covers my heart and mind. If I don't think about it, it wont hurt. But that is so opposite, so this year when I started to do the same pattern things, such as retreat to myself and surroundings, take out the mask that has a smile on it , so no one can see the tears. Tell myself that this is a dream and I am going awaken soon, anything I can do to not "feel" . It is amazing just the power of our inner minds, what it will kick into to protect the heart. But it doesn't always work to say the least...
Grief does not have an expiration date because it is different for everyone. One important factor that I can say that, maybe will help others is - it is YOUR Grief, and in that we all handle it in our own way and our own time. For me, I personally believe my grief will remain with me until my son and I are together again one day.
Below is a little video I created for Chris and my personal journey six years later.
So that brought me to this question to myself...Where did Grief get an Expiration Date?
One of the most profound things to me is all the excerpts and books I have read about grief, and trust me , I have read plenty. Expecialy those times when I need to make sure that I haven't gone crazy. Most of them say, after 6-12 months your grief should be lower and life should be moving forward. To that I have to say ,,, well I cant say the word. But you get the idea here. Its five years for me and Mr Grief is still here, I don't push him away so much. Rather I feel I am on a journey and all things are happening for a reason.
I try each day to embrace the day, find the positive in it and look forward and onward. That is not to say I do not have my blue moments, my sadness and I can still cry enough tears to fill up the ocean over and over again. I can be standing doing dishes and look out side at the changing season and get so sad , that Chris isn't here to see the fresh snow and how it glistens with the moon light. Or the warm of the sun. I found my most peaceful moments are on the lake in a slow moving boat and the beauty of nature all around me. That's when I feel Chris is with me the most. I always said he was a water baby and would live in the water, swimming, playing, surfing - its when he was happy the most. He loved the water and loved people... . I am still learning as I go, I have good days and I have bad days. Either way, I try to live for Chris and to honor his life. And Thank God every day for allowing me to be this precious Angels Mother, even it if was a short time.....
RIP Son - We Love YOU and MISS You Deeply;
Momma
XOXOXOXOXOXO
