3/9/15

Living with OCD - My Personl Reflection !

Unless I told you about it, you’d probably never know I’m a hot OCD/ Anxiety - emotional mess at times.. But, still, I don’t want to be and certainly I don’t understand why I have to be.

The stigma of OCD is hand washing, and things out of place. There is so much more to it and personally washing my hands is not an issue nor are germs. I spent many years working in the health field and side by side some germs and things people can only imagine.
  
OCD even carries onto our relationships.......People laugh about OCD - they even think how funny it is to create a mess to watch someone with OCD shake inside. Imagine your worst fear of something and someone made sure it was always in your face? What is the one thing you hate the most? Maybe its snakes, spiders, what ever it is. Its your fear and its real to you - something that makes you crawl inside. What if someone made sure it was with you in bed every night or dangling in your face at every corner as a joke just so you could get a good laugh at someones (fear). Now take that creepy thing that makes you crawl (ONLY) when you see it or hear of it. And imagine being OCD that its a part of you every moment.

Dishes make me anxious; every time - not sure why , I often wonder myself. Its not like they can talk or anything. And everyone has a sink that has dirty dishes in it. And when I do them wrong people don't understand that either. Maybe I just hate those damn dirty dishes and my OCD much. I often thought what would it be like if I just threw every dish in that sink and broke it as a symbol of no more OCD? Then I shake inside with the vision of the mess. Ive never owned a dishwasher that I could just put them in sight unseen till they need to be washed, my kitchens were never big enough to hold one... silly little dreams or is it? 

Part of my OCD , is that feeling of havin to take care of everyting and everyone you love around you. And anxiety if you do not do it perfect-feeling of being a failure, and people missunderstand you thinking they said something wrong- when in fact then never did, its just something inside when you have OCD.

I know I irritate others, who do not understand it, how can they possibly if they do not experience it. Its like describing the fastest roller coaster ride to someone. You cant really describe that adreniline rush- its something someone has to experince for themselves.

I can ask a tons of questions , definitely not because I want to irritate my partner. Its because I’m convinced if I don’t, I might misunderstand something or something changed with out me being told,  and then I do it incorrectly.

I'm a planner, I work hard to not have disaster strike -  I try to  make sure every loose end is tied up and you think ahead to tomorrow - stupid little think ahead things. But you know your ready for it no matter what. You shiver at the thought someone cant find something in the house - so you make sure everything has its place - because the anxiety of not knowing will drive you batty.

To our Kids - they think were overbearing - not at all, OCD parents just love you so much we want to make sure your world is happy and pleasant that you never have to feel the pain of being OCD or Anxiety is that we know.... now for one second, Imagine when you know you passed it down to one of your kids. That's the worst feeling in the world because you know what they are going through and you cant fix it....

Someone with OCD is not perfect - we never claim to be. But please do not punish us because were different in a way you can not possibly understand. Imagine your nerves feel like they are going to jump out of your  skin when your laying in bed trying to fall asleep, for no reason at all just because you cant fall asleep with everything on your mind. You go through your day and analyze everything that you did making sure you did not forget anything. And make your mental notes for the next day of what you need to do. (I do not write to-do lists for the fun of it). Try explaiing that to someone and see the reaction you might get ! 

Can you imagine for just one moment that you worry about everyone around you , your parents, your partner, your kids, friends, grand-kids, siblings, and those close to you in your life- all of them. And you never have time to think about yourself. Because that is all you are doing- I know crazy right? The non-ocd person puts themselves first at all times. Its not that we dislike the norm, its that we yearn and wonder what that would be like. To absolutely put yourself and your personal needs first. ( you know that text book rule, take care of yourself first to be able to take care of others). Its what I spent hears working in hospice and teaching families. We you have OCD you do just the opposite from you, and that doesn't make us crazy, just try to understand that someone with OCD in that way might need a little push to do for themselves with out feeling guilty. Its nothing you did its just what it is!

You might think that we are in lala land when we need to take aminute and make a plan of action for something. Really we are in control, we just have to make our mental list. Someone once said to me " you really do not know what to do"? Funny part is, Yes yes I do I just needed to think how to do it the BEST way possible. Kinda the opposit of ADD - they Jump first then think - We think first them jump. 

To all the spouses, partners who have patience and true compassion with it and love thier partners strongly and accept it as part of them - just as they accept who you are - then hats off to you, you are part of the elite group-  it takes a strong person to have compassion and understanding. Your gift of compassion has the power to change the life of someone living with OCD. Ironically I just had a 2 hour chat with  a couple kids yesterday  about general compassion for others yesterday . It is amazing how "kids" get it so much faster than adults who can't change thier own thought process...perhaps as adults were all ready programed and can not think outside the box of what society says about something... 

There are days, I would give anything to just wake up one morning and not be OCD, not worry about the day and just let it happen- take it all as it comes. There there are the days I embrace my OCD as being part of me and thank it for keeping me organized and able to multi-task in my daily life... Its who I am and I choose to love myself and will keep my compassion and doing for others. It has taken me some time to come to this place in my life, through many obsticles. 


I truley believe that everything happens for a reason and we should embrace each thing and find the postive in every negative situation... Its there, you just have to look past all the bad to find it. Thats how this article came to be, and if it can help another person then its so worth it. 

If you would like to learn more about OCD, and all the types of OCD as well as what you can do to help.  Please visit "International OCD Foundation" at: www.iocdf.org there is a wealth of information!



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